In our working lives, we all have times when we’re faced with difficult situations and conversations that we’d rather not have.
As an employer, you might have to formally discipline a team member who you like but just hasn’t been performing. As a manager, you might have to tell a customer that their important order isn’t going to be ready when expected. Or as a worker, you may clash with a colleague’s way of working or strongly disagree with an idea they had.
Regardless of the circumstances, these conversations can trigger all sorts of emotions and make us want to avoid having them at all.
But there are some really good reasons why we need to grasp the nettle and have those tough conversations.
So let’s have a look at the issues around difficult conversations, why avoiding them isn’t the answer, and how we can approach and reframe them to ensure that we’re getting the best outcomes for ourselves, our co-workers, and the organisation.
You’re not alone
There’s quite a bit of research that proves just how common it is for people to avoid difficult conversations at work. One US study by professional training and coaching platform, Bravely, found 70% of employees avoided difficult conversations with their boss, colleagues, or direct reports.
A UK survey by the Chartered Management Institute (CMI) found that two-thirds of workers felt anxious or stressed if they knew they had to have a difficult conversation and that 57% of respondents would do almost anything to avoid it.
Fear is one of the top reasons cited by both studies, whether that is fear of confrontation, fear of the consequences, or repercussions from within the organisation. Other factors include wanting to be liked, previous bad experiences, a lack of time, or being worried about getting emotional or upsetting the other person.
Avoiding the situation isn’t the answer
A survey by Leadership Training Company, Crucial Learning, calculated that every failure in having a tough conversation costs an organisation US$7,500 and more than 7 work days.
The ineffectual avoidance behaviours included ruminating about the problem, getting angry, complaining to others, and doing extra, unnecessary work.
That’s not the only cost. Another Crucial Learning study found that instead of having a difficult conversation, 11% of respondents quit their job and 37% considered quitting their job or taking a different job. 50% of respondents said they avoided the other person at all costs, which is hardly good for team productivity and collaboration!
How to turn difficult conversations into courageous conversations
Right, so it’s pretty clear that instead of putting off a difficult conversation - thinking there will be some ideal future time or waiting until the situation reaches boiling point - it’s far better to be courageous and tackle it so you can resolve the issue and move on. It’s better for your own wellbeing and performance, as well as the other person’s and the wider team’s.
The key is learning how to handle uncomfortable conversations in a way that produces positive outcomes. Here are some tips:
Do it in person
It may not be the easiest way, but talking face-to-face and in private is always better than sending an email, messages on the business’ communication channel, or a phone call.
There are so many cues and subtleties that get lost in text, and it’s much easier for meanings to be misconstrued. Talking in person also shows a lot more respect and willingness to work out a solution.
Get in the right headspace
It’s important to be in a good space before you have a thorny conversation. Everything from getting enough sleep, food, and hydration can help you stay calm.
Do some preparation; you want to have an idea of how you’d like things to go but be flexible enough to adapt. Think about what the situation is as you understand it - what information might you be missing? Also ask yourself what you’d like to happen as a result of the discussion.
Take off the armour
Our feelings affect our ability to think, problem-solve, communicate, and listen effectively, so try to lower the emotional tone in your own head. Reframe the conversation. Instead of thinking of the conversation as “difficult” or confrontational, approach it as a way to work with someone on a solution.
We often approach difficult conversations thinking we are the ones who are right, overlooking the fact that the other person’s perspective may also be quite rational. It’s better to assume the best of others rather than the worst.
Learn to be comfortable in discomfort
The situations and your reactions to it might make your head scream: “Run!”, but try to sit with those uneasy sensations. Again, your reactions are valid but they aren’t the only ones you can have. Breathe deeply and take a step back to reflect.
Being aggressive or sarcastic will only cause the other person to become defensive or react in kind, at which point neither of you are listening.
Focus on the issue not the person
Whatever you do, don’t make it personal. Especially in a work situation, you want to focus on the problem rather than the personality. Share specific examples and facts rather than opinions, and propose constructive solutions or alternatives.
Even if the way the person works and thinks is totally different to yours, stay present and engaged. You’ll do way more long-term harm if it gets into a tit-for-tat mudsling.
Say your piece
Get your points across clearly using simple, neutral language. Use “I” statements, e.g. “I’ve observed that… I was uncomfortable with the way this was handled…”
Apologise if you feel you have done something wrong but don’t blame the other person or try to play the victim by asking them to have sympathy for you.
Be curious and compassionate
Our different ways of thinking and being creative are what make a strong team, if we can work together cohesively and with respect.
So try to understand the situation from the other person’s perspective; be curious about their ideas and understand where the differences are. Ask questions to make sure you have it clear: “Let me play that back to you… Is there anything I’ve missed or that I don’t understand?”
If the other person senses you don’t respect them, they’re likely to focus on defending their dignity rather than working constructively.
Listen to understand
We all like to feel heard so give the other person plenty of space to explain their side of the story and actively listen. Again, ask questions rather than making assumptions or jumping to conclusions.
Keeping the pace of the conversation slow will also help you find the right words and it lets the other person know you’re listening.
Look for mutually-beneficial outcomes
Mutual purpose is going to be way more beneficial than each person fighting to be “in the right”. Discuss the outcomes that you both want to achieve and how you could both work towards them. You want to both feel like you have had real input, which will mean you’re more invested in actually making it happen.
Also decide on how you will measure success and plan to meet again to review progress.
What if things blow up?
If things aren’t going well, you feel you’re getting wound up, or the other person isn’t being constructive, take a break. Despite our best intentions, these conversations don’t always go to plan or have a happy ending.
You might agree to come back and revisit the matter when things have cooled down. Inviting an impartial third party to join you can lower tensions and encourage both parties to try and reach a viable outcome.
After the conversation
After a tough conversation, allow some time to “come down” and process what happened. Have a cup of tea or go for a walk.
Reflecting on what went well, what you might have said differently, and how you reacted will help you get better at handling these situations in the future.
Write down on any agreed actions or plans and share them with the other person. Then work on doing the things and book a check-in to revisit if you need to.
Creating a culture of safeness and openness
Collaboration is integral to the success of any organisation, and employees should be encouraged to have open, honest conversations without fear of being shut down or singled out.
Most of us have never been taught the skills to address difficult situations in a way that creates productive dialogue (the CMI study reported 80% of workers had no formal training in handling difficult conversations), so look to offer skills training to all employees.
As a leader or manager, you also need to model the behaviour you want to see, in how you address problems, verbalise concerns, treat people, and support them to speak up.
